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5 ways to NOT get a girl

1. Pickup Lines
As clever as your ego tells you you are when using these romantic sins, a larger internal voice belonging to the female target is screaming ‘Idiot!’ A girl’s logic is simple: if you require pre-drafted lines to be funny, you probably have the sense of humour of a llama. On a bad day.
2. Pick up and Drive
Kidnapping is to a romance as a fridge is to a boiling hot mug of coffee. Not only will the coffee lose all of its heat, but the mug will probably crack and shatter into a million pieces due to some scientific phenomenon¬† named after a French over-achiever. If you’ve got a fancy car to kidnap her in and think it could be seen as romantic, please google ‘closest asylums to <your town>.’ This is a humour blog but that’s a legitimate request. Legit.
3. Bum-Praise
Even if you want to ‘smack dat derriere,’ don’t do it or tell her about this fantasy – she’ll want to ‘smack dat face’ in return, and she’ll not be shy. Women want romance and all of that boring stuff, so if you like her you’ll have to play by her rules. Its a feminist philosophy, but this is the 21st century. Deal with it.
4. Eclectic Dressing
Girls want guys to look good. Standing out is a plus, but sticking out like an elephant floating in an aquarium tank¬† is a no-no. Clothing items to avoid include scarves, polka-dotted socks, dresses and capes. Yes, girls want you to be their superman. No, they don’t want you to dress like him.
5. Come out of the closet
This is a tip worth noting: coming out of the closet will more often than not result in girls becoming less likely to want to go out with you. I’m extremely sorry if that statement crushes your plan to get a girl, but it had to be clarified. Too many guys* fall prey to this famed myth, so you should feel blessed that I’ve steered you clear of following that tradition.

I’ll take my payment for these tips by cheque please.

*assuming that at least one crazed nerd high on a concoction of cocaine, alcohol and idiocy tried this stunt on the most popular girl in school. I also assume that he got slapped by the girl and sent to a rehab centre by his parents.